Friday, November 30, 2007

Two have passed

I've been told, read, and even seen first hand how people never change. The person you see now is the person you'll always see. Sure, there are habits one can break. There are many things people can stop doing to try and better themselves. But their characters almost never change.

People do change, however, slightly in the presence of others.
It's interesting to see how people can affect you. I've never experienced it first hand until recently. I have no image to hide, I am not afraid of who I am, that is not what I am saying. What I am saying is that there is a hidden side of everyone that is brought out in the right company. A side of myself I've never seen before, a side I truly enjoyed, was brought out recently.

My whole life I've never cried. Well, sure, that's a bit of a lie. I can honestly say, though, that I have cried very little. On rare occasion. I can think of a few moments in my life - very, very crucial moments - where I should have cried. I should have cried for hours, maybe even days. But I didn't. I didn't even cry.

I didn't shed a single tear when my grandfather passed away. My favorite pet which I grew up with for more than two thirds of my life passed away last summer, and I couldn't even cry then. I tried, oh how I tried! I would think of every favorite moment I spent with that animal, all the moments which I would never be able to live again, in desperate hopes that I would just explode into a sea of tears. But it didn't happen. It never did. And I knew it never would, either. That's probably the saddest part. I would never cry.

I remember thinking maybe deep down inside of me I felt that nothing was really important to me. Especially since I couldn't even cry during depressing, awful moments that life gives to you like those said above. I thought maybe something was wrong with me. Maybe I had less of an emotional connection with things in this world. Then I started thinking the opposite. Maybe I was beyond emotional, into a new level of emotion and logic and reasoning. An intellectual stage of emotion where I saw past death and despair, sadness and anger and I would, and could, never be affected by them. I thought these things for a long time.

Then I went to college. Being surrounded by so many people... I found myself crying like I had a debt to pay up. 18 years of sorrow built up inside of me, ready to be released. I mean, I have never (yet) cried in public. Not in front of more than few people, at least. At night I would find it nearly impossible to stop the on coming rush of emotions. I don't really know what sparked it all. I guess it was just all of the people around me.

Especially one person. I can think of one person in particular.

The tears weren't of sadness, not all the time, at least. They were emotional tears. Emotions I had never felt until this point. And I was loving every second of it.

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