Sunday, June 29, 2008

I miss the playgrounds and the animals and digging up worms. I miss the comfort of my mother and the weight of the world.

At 12 between dozing and dreams
She saw the most fantastic things
A slumber adorned
With razor-edged thorns
That erupted in bloom at the seams

At 3 between dreaming and rest
Her thoughts brought a bright-colored pest
It nibbled just at
Where the thornbush had sat
And summoned its friends from the nest

At 6 between resting and dawn
The odd vermins’ menace was gone
They filled up balloons
And watched the buds bloom
From their spot by the oak in the lawn

At 9 between dawning and rise
She wiped out the salt from her eyes
She tried to start thoughts
On the things she forgot
But nothing remained in her mind

Monday, June 23, 2008

She told me that she's afraid she won't be able to find someone who loves her unconditionally, and it was just about the saddest thing I've ever heard

Human relationships didn't work anyhow. Only the first two weeks had any zing, then the participants lost their interest. Masks dropped away and real people began to appear: cranks, imbeciles, the demented, the vengeful, sadists, killers. Modern society had created its own kind and they feasted on each other. It was a duel to the a cesspool.

I was naturally a loner, content just to live with a woman, eat with her, sleep with her, walk down the street with her. I didn't want conversation, or to go anywhere except the racetrack or the boxing matches. I didn't understand t.v. I felt foolish paying money to go into a movie theatre and sit with other people to share their emotions. Parties sickened me. I hated the game-playing, the dirty play, the flirting, the amateur drunks, the bores.

Excerpts from Women by Charles Bukowski.

Sunday, June 22, 2008

I stay away from you because I'm lonely, so I'm sorry if it bothers you. I just wish... well, you know what I wish for. You've always known.

The softest thing in the universe
Overcomes the hardest thing in the universe.
That without substance can enter where there is no room.
Hence I know the value of non-action.
Teaching without words and work without doing
Are understood by very few.

Lao Tzu

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

When I waved goodbye to her as I left her room, I knew, despite all the promises we both made and meant, that I would never see her again.

To be a poet is no ambition of mine. Simply a way of being alone.

I know, I alone
How much it hurts, this heart
With no faith nor law
Nor melody nor thought.

Only I, only I
And none of this can I say
Because feeling is like the sky -
Seen, nothing in it to see.
I know, I alone

Monday, June 16, 2008

What have you told us at all?

...And us, too, are we not lonely?

No - wait, what do you mean? We have each other.

You said, you said that all you read is loneliness. People send in their thoughts - their stories, their poetry, their art - everyday to you. And, and you said that all you read from it, the only common theme among all of their pieces is a single emotion: loneliness. It's like, babe, it's like the whole world is here to spill their thoughts to a person like you. And, I mean, I just don't get it.

You don't get it? What is there to get? They are sad. They look for some sort of release, and I just give them that.

But, no, I mean... does it matter if they are sad? They could be living with strangers in an alley or... or well-going in their Fifth Avenue apartment; some people are sad in either situation. What I'm saying is that they all look to you. They've created you into something, like, like an all-knowing god, or a an ancient hero, you know? They've made you into this being - this creature that can listen to their thoughts and sum up some kind of response. All you do - and I've heard you say it - is just respond in some general manner, something that a lot of people can relate to. But that's all they need! That's all they want. You see, what I'm saying is that, they look at you - some god, some hero - like you know what the answer is. Some cure, some miracle cure that gets them out of that funk they are going through.

Yeah, yeah I know. A lot of the time I'm just writing from a specific personal experience I've gone through. It doesn't matter what I say. They just want to know they've been heard.

Exactly. But, the point I'm making, babe, is that they don't see you as who you are. Just the image they've created of you. They don't see the real you, the reader, the girl I know. You're just one of them - I'm just one of them! We're lonely, babe, we're real lonely. So I'm saying, when it comes down to it, they need you - the you they've created. I understand that. But why is it you? You aren't a god, as far as I know, and you aren't some mystical hero. You've got problems just like they do. So, what I'm really saying is, who do you talk to? Who do you go to, babe, when you're lonely? Because it's clear to us both that what helps them isn't what's inside you.

Well, every once in a while I write in anonymously. So I guess I talk to myself. I talk to you, I talk to them, all of them. It's just, it's just one big thought.
By Calvin

Thursday, June 12, 2008

In reality all is here and now and all is one. Multiplicity and diversity are in the mind only.

Wisdom tells me I am nothing.
Love tells me I am everything.
Between the two my life flows.

Nisargadatta Maharaj

But as daytime takes hold, these thoughts are repressed.

I had a dream that I met a girl in a dying world.

It was all coming apart. Hairline cracks in reality widened to yawning chasms. Everything was going dark and light all at once, and there was sound like breaking waves rising into a piercing scream at the edge of hearing. I knew we didn't have long together.

She grabbed me and spoke a stream of numbers into my ear. Then it all went away.

I woke up. The memory of the apocalypse faded to mere fancy, but the numbers burned bright in my mind. I wrote them down right away.
42.39561 -71.13051
2007 09 23 14 38 00

They were coordinates. A place and a time, neither one too far away. What else could I do? When the day came, I went to the spot and waited.

As it turns out, wanting something doesn't make it real.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Genius, Love, Art, Triumph, Tragedy - Over eighteen years of life taken with a Polaroid camera.

I don't know what is more saddening

From childhood's hour I have not been
As others were---I have not seen
As others saw---I could not bring
My passions from a common spring.
From the same source I have not taken
My sorrow; I could not awaken
My heart to joy at the same tone;
And all I lov'd, I loved alone.

Alone by Poe

Loneliness is the worst thing in the world. It's the only problem where you don't have others to comfort you.

Sunday, June 8, 2008

Amid a crazy whirlwind of exciting happenings and new adventures and many busy, fast-paced days... and you haven't left my mind once.

You captivate me;
You mesmerize me;
I fall into you;
You are beautiful
I want to explore;
You are one of the few
That doesn't try to break me down
Into tiny fragments.

May we embrace these golden people by Marcus Edward John Cross

Thursday, June 5, 2008

A complete stranger flirted with me today, but I told her, I can't fall for someone I will never see again.

When I think of times I was happy with my life, all that comes to mind, save moments in my unfettered childhood, were the nights I laid next to you.

I desperately need someone to talk to, but the only people who listen are the very people I can never tell. I need to confide - but more importantly, I need someone to confide in.

I wish someone would tell me that everything is going to be okay. Moreover, I wish somebody knew what was really going on in my head so they could reassure me that I'm going to be alright - and I could be certain of it.

Many tell me what they think I want to hear all the time - what they've been told to tell. And I accept that, I listen to what they have to say, I continue the cycle. Secretly, inside, though, I yearn for the advice my heart believes is out there. Unfortunately, my mind is slowly giving that struggle up.

I just want to let it all out, but I don't think I can. I'm afraid of what that might cause. I wish someone could help me.

An online post

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Who am I, and who are you?

There is not a night which passes
When I don't close my eyes
And create you.

But when I open them,
I find it hard to come back to my reality.
I wish I could live my dreams.

In this imagination you lay burrowed away
On a hillside, or on some sunny beach,
Or even imprinting your image onto the snow beneath you.

In one, the night's cold air gently breathes on you
As you rest against an old tree trunk,
Your body cuddling into itself, struggling for warmth.

You read from a book,
Using the moonlight
As your guide.

The pages turn.
Your mind stays connected,
As the story unfolds.

Your hands meet the final page,
Closing the book.
The last lines linger in your mind.

...So we beat on,
Boats against the current,
Borne back ceaselessly into the past.

Placing the book to your side,
You lay down against the soggy grass,
Staring upwards.

Your mind flares --
You begin to add clarity to your thoughts.
You begin to realize yourself.

It is invariably saddening
To look through new eyes
at things upon which
You have expended your own powers of adjustment.

Creating You by Calvin

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

I sent the girl I'm falling for this link with the hope that she might one day realize everything without real words being exchanged.

Fears: Ranked from childhood through parenthood

1. Fear of the dark

Under the bed.
Inside the closet.
Between leap and landing (floor to bed).
(Related) Long arm reaching out from under bed.

2. Fear of separation

Lost in a crowd (accidental).
Lost in a crowd (on purpose).
Lost in the woods (either).

3. Fear of abandonment

Parents dying.
Parents divorcing.
One parent moving.
Parents remarrying.

4. Fear of wicked stepparent
5. Fear of pee accidents

In school.
In bed.
In friend’s bed.

6. Fear of bras

Needing one.
Not needing one.
Anyone looking closely enough to know.

7. Fear of menstrual period

Getting it.
Not getting it.
Surprise attack.

8. Fear of embarrassment

Wrong clothes.
Wrong hair.
Wrong glasses.
Wrong body.
Wrong mother.

9. Fear of Getting Pregnant
10. Fear of rejection

By friends.
By boyfriend.
By colleges.

11. Fear of being found out
12. Fear of not getting work

Not paying student loans.
Not paying bills.

13. Fear of selling out

Deserting dreams.
Embracing capitalism.

14. Fear of the dark (continued)

Parking lots at night.
Deserted streets at night.
Apartments at night.
Houses at night.
Bedrooms at night.

15. Fear of rejection (continued)

By lovers.
By bosses.
By friends.

16. Fear of being unloved
17. Fear of being unlovable
18. Fear of having married the wrong person
19. Fear of not getting pregnant
20. Fear of mortality

Parents’ mortality.
Spouse’s mortality.
Signs of mortality.

21. Fear of childbirth
22. Fear of losing a child

To crib death.
To falling down stairs.
To a head injury.
To bathtub.
To a bicycle accident.
To a car accident.
To a playground accident.
To a freak accident.
To pneumonia.
To cancer.
To a thousand kinds of cancer.
To a pedophile.
To a kidnapper.
To a babysitter.
To a stranger.
To a tick bite.
To a bad heart.
To thin ice.
To a swimming pool.
To falling rocks.
To drugs.
To gun violence.
To poor judgment.
To sport.
To a dare.
To driving.
To driving drunk.
To heartbreak.
To childbirth.

Jan Pettit

We may not be as happy as you always dreamed we would be, but for the first time let's just allow ourselves to be whatever it is we are of the strongest motives that lead men to art and science is escape from everyday life with its painful crudity and hopeless dreariness, from the fetters of one's own ever-shifting desires. A finely tempered nature longs to escape from the personal life into the world of objective perception and thought.
Albert Einstein

I found out from a myspace bulletin that a childhood friend I had crushed on for nine years hung herself from a swing set in a local park.

Sunday, June 1, 2008

Today I realised I'll never be the same.

Even though I don't mind being alone, I sometimes get engulfed with wonderful memories of the past.

I realize what I must do, I understand what will get me out of this, yet there is something within myself that stops me. I know my potentials, I know what I can do, yet I just let myself slowly slip down the hole. I hope that there is something within myself that'll help me out of it.