Friday, May 30, 2008

As one realizes that one is a dream figure in another person's dream - that, you see, is self awareness.

She and I first met at a party at her apartment. We hit it off, opened up, shared secrets, and talked about everything. For hours we linked our stories, finding similarities in each other's history, finding meaning. The party waned on around us, growing louder, so we hid away together in a distant room. The lights off, the room dark, we sat silhouetted by the beams cast by the moon, beneath a window. We talked through the deepest hours of the night. Dreams, goals, philosophies, plans, travels... our existence, our creation, our meaning, our joy, our love. The dawn found us curled up, laying hidden from the suns breach against the wall under the window, asleep - but still together.

That experience - connecting with a stranger on the deepest of emotional and social levels, seeking and creating bonds not found in your daily life, breaking barriers of shyness, nervousness, and fear - is one of life's rare and wonderful treasures.

When you're married, dear, you'll never experience it again - that bond that we shared, that magic we created that night. It's the price you pay for your everlasting love. It's a small one, but I hope it stings a little... if not today, then one day, in your future, I hope it sets in. You'll be lying in bed, distant in thought, next to your better half, and you'll recall that night and it'll dawn on you and you'll think, I lived but only once...

Thursday, May 29, 2008

This is a world getting progressively worse, can we not agree on that?

Actually, the gap between, say, Plato and Nietzsche and the average human is greater than the gap between a chimpanzee and the average human. The realm of the real spirit - the true artist, the saint, the philosopher - is rarely achieved. Why so few? Why is world history and evolution not stories of progress, but rather, this endless and futile addition of zeros?

Ever have a job that you've hated, worked really hard at, long hard day at work, finally you get to go home, get in bed, close your eyes... and immediately you wake up and realize, the whole day at work... it had been a dream? It's bad enough that you sell your waking life for minimum wage, but now they get your dreams for free.

Dreams; what are they? An escape from reality or reality itself? A film on science, philosophy, and the life of dreaming and waking. The film's protagonist has an endless series of dreams after a bad accident. In them, he follows around people who discuss their ideas on life and what lies behind dreams. Soon, he becomes alarmed when he discovers he cannot awake from this confusing dream.


Full film

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Her words - they moved me. I took them to heart and will always keep them close; she was the first person to mean it.

there is a mountain of snow, up past the big glen
we have a castle enclosed, there is a fountain
out of the fountain flows gold, into a huge hand
that hand is held by a bear, who had a sick band

of ghosts and cats
and pigs and bats
with brooms and bats
and wigs and rats
and play big dogs like queens and kings
and everyone plays drums and sings

about big sharks
sharp swords
beast bees
bead lords
sweet cakes
mace lakes

o ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma

I hope in my heart that we on a whole
will die and the earth be left alone
just beast and bee and fish and tree
this hope I wish will someday be
that bacteria will have ate our remains
that all knowledge of us has decayed
our burden raised the world set free
the earth returns to land and sea
our buildings burned and highways gone
I love my friends and everyone
but we've had our chance let's move aside
let time wash us out with the tide

Some mornings, I stand in front of the mirror and ask myself, Am I visible?

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Because if these thoughts could talk, then out comes my mystery, for the thoughts that I hold, in turn hold my history.

I met you,
and with every beat of my heart pounding in my chest,
I whispered into your ears.

From the racing thoughts in my head
to the rhythm of your breathing,
we shared those emotions between us.

Meaning found in every moment,
for you and me.
To the world, silence.

As a glimpse of light beams clarity into darkness,
so do my verses.
See this as a window to my mind.

What is held most sacred to me,
are the thoughts which I alone share
and you alone understand.

I write this for you,
for you know it won't last.
Distance pulls apart all in my world.

So grasp these moments while our feelings are shared,
and let them relieve from us our worldly pressures,
for we exist in pair these remaining days.
These Remaining Days by Calvin

Monday, May 26, 2008

I can't decide if it's sad or romantic that the only thing I have to look forward to today is her phone call.

I want to kiss your lips
to take in your breath
because, maybe, just there --
what you live on --
is the answer.

What is inside you.

Could you share your breath with me
just for a moment?
I would like to try the air
that you live on.
Maybe then I can understand.

Why are you so beautiful.
So Beautiful by Calvin

Sunday, May 25, 2008

I can't keep doing this, send help soon.

˙ʇuǝɯoɯ ǝɥʇ ɹoɟ ˙˙˙ǝɯ ɹoɟ ǝɹǝɥ sı ʇı ˙ʇɹoɟɟǝ ɥɔnɯ ooooʇ ɹɐɟ sǝɹınbǝɹ ʇı ʞuıɥʇ pןnoʍ ı ןןɐ ɹǝʇɟɐ ˙˙˙sıɥʇ pɐǝɹ oʇ ɹǝɥʇoq ןןıʍ ǝuoʎuɐ ʞuıɥʇ ʇ,uop ı ˙sǝuo pǝʌoן uʍop ƃuıʇʇǝן ɹo ˙˙˙uʍop ɟןǝsʎɯ ƃuıʇʇǝן ˙˙˙ɥƃnoɥʇ ʇsoɯ ǝɥʇ ǝɯ sɹǝɥʇoq ʇɹɐd ʇɐɥʍ ǝɹnsun ɯɐ ı ˙ןןǝʍ sɐ uoısıɔǝp ʇɐɥʇ ɥʇıʍ uʍop ǝɟıן ʎɯ uı ǝןdoǝd ɹǝɥʇo ʇǝן ı ʞuıɥʇ ı ˙ʇı ɥʇıʍ uʍop ɟןǝsʎɯ ʇǝן ɟo puıʞ ı ˙˙˙ןןǝʍ ˙˙˙sı ʇı ɥʇıʍ ɯǝןqoɹd ǝɥʇ ʇnq ˙ɹǝʌǝ ʇ,uop ı ǝdoɥ ı ˙˙˙ʇǝʎ ʇı ʇǝɹƃǝɹ ʇ,uop ı ˙˙˙ǝʌɐɥ ʇou pןnoɥs ı ǝqʎɐɯ ʇɐɥʇ uoısıɔǝp ɐ ǝpɐɯ ı ʎɐpɹǝʇsǝʎ ¿ƃuıʌɐǝן ı ɯɐ ɹo ƃuıʎɐʇs ı ɯɐ ¿ƃuıoƃ ɹo ƃuıɯoɔ ı ɯɐ ˙ǝq oʇ sɹɐǝddɐ ʇı ʎɐʍ ǝɥʇ sı ƃuıɥʇou ʇǝʎ ˙˙˙ǝq pןnoɥs ʇı ʎɐʍ ǝɥʇ sı ƃuıɥʇou ˙sǝɯıʇǝɯos sʞɹoʍ puıɯ ʎɯ ʎɐʍ ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ ǝʞıן ןǝǝɟ ı
Unknown author

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Life drilled a hole in my head and took out little pieces of my brain, but my heart's left untouched.

I Adore You by Melpo Mene

Lost in a daydream of blue
And I feel so free
And then it's like I fall from the sky
Everything that I see is you
And you should know that I'm
Thinking about what you said
When you held my hand

Oh I adore you

Now we are older and
Things disappeared somehow
And I was thinking that maybe
We'd stand a better chance If we met today
I find myself talking to sharks
On my way to an island and still

I adore you
I adore you
I adore you

I was young, I was old
And we were in, we were out
I wanna see, I wanna see it all
I wanna die, I wanna die
Sweetheart, sweetheart
I thought I saw, I thought I saw a light
See it now, see it now

To the girl in my dreams, I write this letter to my thoughts.

Pretend all you want, but those other guys don't know you. I do.

I've listened to the painstaking words that made you wince as you told me about yourself, your life unedited. I know you're lost right now, and you think you know what you're doing blindfolded. That you tried to have a religion, but prayers weren't answered fast enough so you left instead. That you mold yourself to belong to the different people that temporarily settle in your life so you can close that gap of unfamiliarity.

I know you, not your job, not your talent, not your service. I recognize your mortality, how vulnerable you really are, and your failed attempts at masking your hurt. From a distance I've observed your feeble quests of going through cycles of different friends, beliefs and no matter how much it hurts me: your want for different guys. Please, stop and look around. They aren't here for you. I am.

I understand you like no one else will. I understand that you leave for no reason because of how people in your past have left you. I understand your feeling of abandonment in this world, that you're by yourself. I understand your feeling of being alone with no one to care for you. But I do care for you.

I like you for who you are, your faults, your mistakes, your sins and your darkness. I just wish that you had stayed around long enough for me to tell you this. I will be here for you with an unconditional guarantee.

This is my confession.
Anonymous online confession

Sunday, May 18, 2008

I am but alone inside this head, a thing which I did always dread.

A part of me wants to get away
and doesn’t know how to escape.
Another part wants to stay
and retracts itself, refusing
to look for a way.
A part of me wants the space and the light,
the life and the green,
but doesn’t see the exit, so bright and clean.
Another part observes the hole (insanity?)
in the web of mediocrity,
analyzes it frigidly
and laughs cynically,
returning to its dark cave.
Duality, ambiguity.
Dream and reality.
Will and refuse.
Audacity and fear.
I’m also a human being,
that’s unfortunately clear...

Escape by Roberta Ramos
I caught the sob in my throat,
before it could alert the watchers,
of my misery.
I ironed the smile back into place.
Combed my hair in the two way mirror,
and turned to face the crowd.
I couldn't show my feelings out loud.
Could I?

Mask by Marie Smith

Saturday, May 17, 2008

God this place is dull.

My lackluster attitude toward all things human tends to isolate me from others. I don't care much. In fact, I enjoy the peace of mind. I don't get involved in the petty drama's of life nor do I have a passion for it. Being away from it all is a prize in itself.

Yesterday, a five year old told me that he found out at school that Heaven is full of dead people. I told him, so is Earth.

College isn't for me, yet I'm coming back next semester. And, I'll come back semester after semester from then on, because that's what everybody expects me to do. Deep down I wish something big would happen and I could live a whole different life.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

I can give your dark eyes light

I’m sure that I will always be
A lonely number like root three

The three is all that’s good and right,
Why must my three keep out of sight
Beneath the vicious square root sign,
I wish instead I were a nine

For nine could thwart this evil trick,
with just some quick arithmetic

I know I’ll never see the sun, as 1.7321
Such is my reality, a sad irrationality

When hark! What is this I see,
Another square root of a three

As quietly co-waltzing by,
Together now we multiply
To form a number we prefer,
Rejoicing as an integer

We break free from our mortal bonds
With the wave of magic wands

Our square root signs become unglued
Your love for me has been renewed

The Square Root of 3 by Dave Feinberg

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Monday, May 5, 2008

Esse est percipi

I think the imaginary friends we create in elementary school will always want to spend more time with us than our boyfriends and girlfriends. I think they will also always amuse us, please us, and care for us to much greater lengths. And they'll always be there, ready to help us in whatever situation, when we need them; and they'll always be there, silently listening, thinking, away from sight and mind, when we don't.

My imaginary friend has never gone against my mind.

Sunday, May 4, 2008

I'm just sitting here, waiting for the paper boy to bring me some good news.

After letting me down, a friend of mine once told me she thought she was the reason why I had lost my faith in humanity.

I still think about that statement even today.

I wonder, did she not want to be the source? Did she not want to be the reason why? Was she saying this and acting that for selfish purposes? She didn't want the burden? Or did she strictly not want me to lose my faith, and selfish concern was thrown out the window?

Have I lost my faith in humanity? I don't care much for that question. I don't know why.

Saturday, May 3, 2008

Thoughts while in a coma-like state

Once we jumped off the boat and into the jungle,
We cranked up the volume and marched to our own drummer.

Many nasty things could await me.
Noise discipline had to be maintained.
Sounds carried incredibly far in the jungle.
Had it been heard by any bad boys?

Suddenly my brain screamed - "Stop!"
And my right leg froze in mid-air,
and my heart slammed in my throat.

The next few seconds took forever...

My hands were shaking,
and my nervous system was in some kind of shock.
Then, silence got blown apart.

Masochist by Pendulum

Ode to Joy

Quick 3 step guide to happiness:

  1. Remove all of the aspects of your life which make you unhappy.
  2. Stick to what you know.
  3. Mind your own business.
Learn from my mistakes.

Now if you listen closely, I'll tell you what I know

Lying, thinking
Last night
How to find my soul a home
Where water is not thirsty
And bread loaf is not stone
I came up with one thing
And I don’t believe I’m wrong
That nobody,
But nobody
Can make it out here alone.

Alone, all alone
Nobody, but nobody
Can make it out here alone.

There are some millionaires
With money they can’t use
Their wives run round like banshees
Their children sing the blues
They’ve got expensive doctors
To cure their hearts of stone.
But nobody
No, nobody
Can make it out here alone.

Alone, all alone
Nobody, but nobody
Can make it out here alone.

Now if you listen closely
I’ll tell you what I know
Storm clouds are gathering
The wind is gonna blow
The race of man is suffering
And I can hear the moan,
‘Cause nobody,
But nobody
Can make it out here alone.

Alone, all alone
Nobody, but nobody
Can make it out here alone.

Alone by Maya Angelou

Friday, May 2, 2008

Show the demoralization of mankind

I began some small talk with the girl who used to work the cash register at the closest Safeway. As she scanned my things, I made a daring compliment of romantic nature. Startled, she said it was a sweet gesture and gave me a nervous smile. Her cute and timid behavior sparked something inside me that I haven't felt in weeks. I asked her if she would like to go for ice cream with me. She claimed to have a boyfriend.

I haven't had the nerve to ask anyone out since. The rejection has been a numbing pain... I wonder, as I lay in bed, when will I grow out of this Hollywood-like behavior? At what point will I grow out of this hopeless romantic stage in my life?

What will bring my courage back?