Sunday, August 10, 2008

How bare the backs of elevators are, unbeknownst to us.

I've experienced something these past few days which has left me numb and disinterested to all of my surroundings. I'm feeling down, and I'm down. I don't believe I've ever felt so held back. So withdrawn from what I want. This distance, this distance.

You're there, you're there! I know you're there. And I would like to be so much closer. Those moments we spent together, and how vulnerable I make myself by saying this, but those moments...

I haven't quite felt like that before. I don't know what it was about you that made me feel so certain of what I wanted. So sure. And when you held me, so comforted. Your shyness, your shyness. The way you stood against the railing on the edge of the deck, peering into the ocean, our last few moments together, the way you stood. The words we shared, the thoughts we conquered. My goofiness, my kisses across the length of your arm, your reaction. And when I held you, and when I held you! During those moments we shared together on that (oh so comfortable) couch, and I felt infinite. Our hands clasped so tightly, that warmth between us shared, the moments passing. What I'd give to hold you again, what I'd give.

So infantile this may sound, for it lasted only days. But I just haven't quite felt like this before. And I hate knowing I may never see you again. And I hate knowing I may never feel this again.

I know this will pass. I know I will grow away from this, as will you. And it hurts, it hurts. But you are so much more than a to-be-forgotten memory, so much more. So for you, I can't let it all go. So for you, I give you this: some writing to remind me of a time when I was with you. A time when things were real. When my feelings were raw, were genuine. When my life was full of real human emotion. When moments were full of heartfelt intimacy, when holding someone was for more than to just be held back, when a single kiss on the lips was felt throughout the entirety of my body.

I miss you.

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