Sunday, December 2, 2007

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times

The following post contains a true real-life story which cannot be told in a single blog entry. My apologies, but my thoughts just will not allow for that. This event will be told over multiple entries submitted across multiple, spread apart, days. I'm sorry for the inconvenience.

People get themselves into situations that they often don't want to deal with. Situations that they can't handle or don't want to handle, but in either event it's a situation that won't be lasting. Most people try to get themselves out of them as quickly as possible. Whether the situation gives them pain, anger, sorrow, or maybe just feelings that they don't want, it's always a troublesome event.

My question about it all, though, is maybe sometimes it's better to stay in those situations. Maybe it's better to just deal with the pain, the grief, or whatever else that may be felt. Because maybe the ending outcome's reward outweighs the emotions it took to withstand the event. Does this happen? I'm certain it does. A lot of people go through something like this at one point in their life. From something small, like washing your car, to something larger like dealing with your job. Many people don't like paying their taxes, but the benefit they get out of it is they don't go to jail. So, sure, often times it is worth going through it. It's fair to assume that it is a pretty common aspect of life.

So then I ask: what if you multiply the emotional pain you have to go through? However, rather than increasing the gain, as with most things in life (bigger risk, bigger reward), the gain is unforeseeable. For a reward that may not ever exist. Or, if it does exist, it may be so large that it dramatically changes your life, and even the lives of the people around you.

Now, does it seem worth it? What if the emotional pain is so strong, so intensely powerful, that you can't even recognize yourself anymore. You start to preform actions unlike yourself. You do things that you know aren't right, but you do them anyways. And, above all that, every thought out of your mind only makes it worse. A constant, unnaturally awful, regret full of guilt which questions the very foundations of everything you've ever accomplished in your life.

Is it worth it? The greatest risk for possibly the greatest benefit, but also possibly no benefit at all.

Will it destroy you?

A while back ago I wrote a short narrative about love. Well, it was about many things, but the excerpt I chose for this entry is about love. It took me a little digging around to find, but here it is:

Since I was a little boy, I have observed love. The act of loving. The entire experience of loving. I know people that love. I have seen them with my own eyes. I have felt them. Love is a feeling, is it not? Yet, I have never known what it is to love. I can write those words, know them to be true, but feel only the regret that a tone-deaf man must feel because he can't appreciate music, a regret less keen because it is for something never known, not for something lost. So, then, how do I experience love? Is love attainable? Will it inevitably knock on my door, surprising my life in an unexpected yet welcoming fashion like family on a Thanksgiving eve? I sometimes feel as if it has knocked. It has waited at my doorstep, waiting for me to let it inside so it may embrace me with its wide open arms. Including me to the long list of those who have been loved. But I have not let love inside my door. I am unsure of what is to happen. I am unsure of what might happen to my life. Does love change you? Certainly some degrees of love will change you. An unbalanced form of love would most definitely change your viewpoint on the subject. Is this a cruel thing to experience? Or even crueler to share to someone else? What if I love but I am not loved back? Have I ever been loved and not returned the favor simply because I have not experienced the true feeling? I cannot recall of a time in my life where someone has loved me. My family shares their love. Is it the same? If I were not birthed by my mother, if my father did not teach me under his wing, if my sister had not grown in the same household, would we still love each other? No. We want to save our love inside of us to give to someone some other day. It is not something we want to waste. I do not love a man on the street simply because he walks there. I cannot. I may respect him, I may honor his existence, I may appreciate his company on this lonesome rock, but I cannot love him. That is not what love is. So, simply put, I have not been loved. If I were, I would know. Otherwise I would sense this feeling, it simply cannot exist without acknowledgment. I have not been given the true feeling of love. I want this feeling. More than ever do I want this feeling. I need this feeling. My existence is futile without this feeling. Someone’s existence will remain in vain until I have loved them. I must share my love because without doing so people will not know how to love. If these people cannot love, how will I be loved? How can you appreciate real love until you have had this experience? I want to be loved like no one else. I want someone to feel as if their life means nothing without me by their side. I want to live a life where my love exists in two parts, not just one. The part I share for someone and the part they share for me. It is then decided: To be one day loved, I must love. However, it is not merely something that can be tossed around. I must save it inside of me to give to that someone special one day so that it truly means something. When will that day come? I think we all ask that question. For now, I know I must wait. Love is a waiting game won by the most patient of men. Patience, is that what fuels love? If I save my love, patiently keep it inside of me, holding it in for that one day of grace when all this time spent will be worth it, all this time will mean something deeper and more powerful than I could ever imagine, if I wait all this time, and I give this time woven love to someone who I know deserves it, and they don't love me back, what will happen?
What I wrote on that day was how I felt on that day. I can't say I feel the same way anymore. I have new insight about the subject now and I know if I were to rewrite that same narrative today it wouldn't look anything the same. Let's just say people have changed me.


There are things I can say, and there are things I cannot say. Obviously, there will be consequences for whatever I choose to say. I'm not afraid to say the truth, though. I really am not. I think honesty is one of the most important things a human can do. People who live honest lives should be given badges, they really should.

That reminds me, there aren't enough badges in this world. That's a fact. If I had any control over it, there would be badges awarded for more important things than army service and all that jib jab. When people are dying, or maybe just when they reach a certain age point, like every 25 years or something, people in all black suits should drive up to your house, pull out an all-black velvet sealed case and hand it to you. And just as quickly and abruptly as they showed up, they would vanish. You would open that little case and see the badge you were given. The badge you deserved. The Honesty Badge would be one of the most important ones a man could get. It would be colorful and unique. Articulate designs would cover both the front and the back. Getting The Honesty Badge would be a great achievement in any man's life. Because that's all that really means anything anymore. All that matters. Honesty - the truth. Why should anyone believe what you say if you aren't honest? How can a man live a rightful way their whole life, but then decide to steal one day, and immediately get labeled as a thief and lose all credibility while everyone knows if a man is honest their whole life and then tells a lie, they lose no credibility. They are to be believed just as they were any other day. Even if they are caught lying! Sure, if a president or someone important lies, that's a whole other story. All I'm trying to say is to be honest. It really counts more than anything in almost every situation. But don't be honest to the point where you are hurting people - your ugly friend will need that litany of support sometimes. Use your judgment, but deserve The Honesty Badge.

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