Monday, December 3, 2007

It was the worst of times, continued and concluded

The following post contains a true real-life story which cannot be told in a single blog entry. My apologies, but my thoughts just will not allow for that. This event will be told over multiple entries submitted across multiple, spread apart, days. I'm sorry for the inconvenience.... In the movie Bull Durham, the character Annie Savoy explains so truthfully:

The world is not made for people who are cursed with self-awareness.
...As I've said before, I'm not very certain of much anymore. I used to be, but I think I explained that previously.

All the moves I make seem to follow paths and ideas I haven't previously used. Paths that I'm not too comfortable with. Every decision I make seems to be a battle of choice between what's right and what I want. And I still don't know what is better. What would benefit my life. What I really need right now.

I'm prude. I'm a prude person, I guess. I try to uphold common courtesy throughout the day. I respect my fellow people, I follow appropriate manners, and I'm nice. I don't know if being these things makes me prude. Or if prude is even the right word. Maybe I'm just good? Healthy? I haven't been able to find a general word to summarize my lifestyle. Let's compliment myself. I'm being realistic when I say: some positive things about me (positive in my opinion, at least) are that I'm kind. I'm nice and I'm considerate. I'm very appreciative of peoples company. I'm very appreciative of people. I'm humorous when the occasion arises. Very comical, indeed. I've been told I have an uplifting essence, an aura, that surrounds me. Apparently it appeals to people, and when I'm around, people have a good time. I'm clean; I smell nice and I'm well kept. I'm smart; I consider myself an intellectual. Although I may not have the book smarts as many other people that surround me do, I do have smarts of some sort. ... I'm deep. I can uphold a conversation for hours. I'm an very good listener and a soft speaker. I never intend to hurt someones feelings. I never intend to hurt anyone. I'm a pacifist. I don't have radical views. Politics don't interest me - I'm apathetic. Religion doesn't bother me - I'm agnostic, and apathetic to it, too. I'm really indifferent to a lot of topics. I don't try and force my opinions onto anyone; rather, I try and give advice. I like to be helpful. I assist when I can and attempt to assist when I can't. I'm beneficial to society. It's people like me that keep the statistics up.
What constantly knocks me off my feet is why I'm always alone. I mean, I can think of some obvious reasons that I don't really need to write on here. But, really, how does a person like myself, who attempts (successfully) to live a good, healthy life, end up being alone all the time? If this isn't what people want, what do they want? Should I be like every other inconsiderate, unappreciative, selfish, no-good bastard? Do people want me to be rude and disrespectful? Unappreciative and greedy? Is that what people want? ...

... So I stay away. I constantly feel like I'm being used. Abused. Unappreciated, not respected. I'll give you everything you ask for. I'll help you with everything I can. Just say thank you. Make me feel appreciated, that's all I ask. I know that if I was a stronger man I could take the abuse. But I can't, so deal with it by giving me the gratitude I deserve.

My whole life I've been alone. I really don't want a lot of friends. One or two has always suited me well. What I have always wanted, though, has been a companion. Someone who is constantly there with me, who lives with me daily. Who enjoys the same things I do, listens and sees the same things that I do. Who I can tell anything to, learn anything with, and enjoy everything by their side. I never knew how much I wanted - I needed - this feeling ...

... and he said, I'm sorry. Let me give you something you deserve. Let me give you something you've been waiting so long for. You have been so good, so very good. You deserve only to be happy, and you've just had so little of that. I'm so sorry. I responded: If you want for my happiness, then you know what you must do.
...

Anything was better than nothing, I kept telling myself. It could end tomorrow and I'll still be a better person.

... It felt so right, I explained to myself. Why give up what feels so right? Why follow societies conventions on relationships. Do what you want, listen to your heart.

... I know how relationships work: they don't last. Especially when they are separated. Long distance? You kidding me? What are you, new? I don't care what your heart says. It's illogical, unreasonable. And besides, I'm the perfect man for you. I have a heart, I care for you. I want to be there for you, I want to help you. I want to listen to you at night, I want to crush that which saddens you. I want to love you.

... I started to fall off of the trail of my life. Understand, though, that I don't have that much of a problem with that anymore. I don't know whether I should have one, though. I don't need to set guidelines or a foundation for my life. Just live it, feel it, express it. Enjoy it. I understand that now. But, during this event and after it, I didn't understand that. And that may be the problem of it all.

...
I'm not sure if I believe there is one person out there for everyone. I know I don't believe it. I want to, though, I really do. I want to believe there is magic and love and Disney movies. There aren't, though. And that is why life sucks. For every person you meet, there is always someone out there who is better. It really depends whether you want to wait or look for that person, though, or put up with what you have.

... To remove all that joy and happiness and amazement and exchange it for pain. The kind that kills. Hurts you, scars you, forever.

I asked, will it destroy you? The answer: No. But it will set you back. It will take you off your feet and throw you, hurl you back to a place you've never been and never want to go. A deeper state of depression, sadness, terrible feelings that no one wants to, or could even imagine, feel. It will bring you to a state of mind that corrupts your every decision, your every move. Bad choices, and a lot of them. Bad feelings, too much of them.

...

I'm foreclosing my life because the law makers which are her words are asking me for too much.


... I make no mistakes. Every move I make is an attempt put another foot in front of me, one positive move from another. Every word I choose to say is of excellent choice; it has meaning - more meaning than you can imagine - behind it. I say nothing that has no second underlining deeper meaning. I think in perfection, I feel in strength. I am made of no mistakes.

...

I see relationships all over the place. Couples, friends. And, in my eyes, they almost always have one thing in common: they fight. They don't work, it just isn't happy all the time. In my ideal world, that shouldn't happen. The people you hang out with are the people you should want to hang out with. There are so many couples all over the place that just bicker, that just fight. Denny's, theaters, malls - even in my house. My room. I hear people fighting all the time, stressing over things they need to learn to get over or deal with. Constant bitching, complaining, about things that don't really matter. Am I alone when I see this? Does no one else see the problems with these people?

This is what really gets me. Because the girl of my dreams doesn't bicker. She doesn't fight, argue, or obsess about things I do. She enjoys every second of my company, appreciates it, loves it. Not because I need that, no, not at all. I want it, yes. But she doesn't do it because I want it. She does it because she wants it. She understands, comprehends, what a great guy I am. I don't just do this shit for fun. I do this because I want people to remember be as the guy who didn't fuck his life up. The guy who cared about his choices, his decisions. The guy who matters in this society. Because that's who I am.

...
If you aren't saying no, you're saying yes. ... Don't put yourself into a position where you have to say yes or no and you won't have to choose! It's that simple, god damnit. How hard is it to understand?

By even spending time with these guys, not even physical time but mental time, you're telling me I'm not number one. You've said to me it's not a numbering system. And I understand that, but if you don't immediately choose me, then it isn't right for me. It isn't right for you, either. If I'm not number one, I'm number zero, in my mind. Life just doesn't work like that.

... I don't make plans. I try not to, at least. It's only a quick way to make regrets later. Here's the thing: men and women are different. Girls want to stay in contact with their ex-lovers for the rest of their lives. Yeah, this is a generalization. But it's a generalization that's usually true. They want to stay friends. It doesn't always work like that, though. It's much easier for a girl to do this than for a guy too. To a guy, it's hard to look at an ex-lover the same, once they've been together. It just doesn't work out well. ...
My whole life I've wanted to be a savior. I've wanted to save someone. I wanted to be there for them and save their life. But now I realize that you can't do that. Relationships can't work like that because people need to save themselves. I understand that now. It's what I've learned from all this. I can't save them.

... I think everyone has a purpose in this life. Not in some kind of fairytale way, no. I mean, I honestly believe that there is so much in this life that there has to be something you are made to be good at. You are best at. And I honestly believe what I am made to be, what I am best at, is being there for someone. Being with someone, caring for them. Loving them. I am made for a relationship. ...

Does love have limits? In the movie The Hole, the character Liz Dunn is a replication of a human being who expresses the deepest and strongest form of love. So strong, are her feelings, that all morals and ethics are thrown out the window, just for her to obtain the man she loves. She murders a man, watches her best friend die of dehydration and sickness (while she is dying, she asks her for relationship advice), and even forces her lover to lose his mind and kill another man - all to just be with him. Now, obviously Liz is insane. But, I think the deeper questions the movie ask are important: does love really have any limit? Is there anything one can do, while in love, that is unaccountable for? Unreasonable?


...

It's like when a man hits a woman. First of all, a man should never hit a woman. Ever. And what I'll tell my future daughter(s) one day, is that once a man hits you you never let it happen again. Because you're gone. That's it and that's all. You leave at that point. When he struck you he also struck the relationship, because you and it are over. Because if you stay after he hits you, you're saying that what he did is alright. And you forgive him. And you can't. You cannot forgive him.

... I'm not certain of much anymore, but I'm no more certain of anything than that. I do not deserve to be treated like this. When you see me you should instantly be saying to yourself, I can't do anything to harm him. I don't want to risk losing this guy. If those aren't your thoughts then it wasn't made to work from the very start. ... I'm a star, and if you don't see that then you don't see it, and that's all. There is nothing I can do about it. How perfect we are for each other means nothing if you can't appreciate what you have. ...

I'm better than all this, I honestly believe. I've put up with a lot of shit in my life, a lot of things I didn't need to. But I did, I did deal with them, and this is who it has made. This is me. We are the sum of our experiences. And my sum is nearly negative - I've dealt with so much crap. This is just another thing I don't need to deal with. For the first time in my life, I'm not going to put myself into a position where I'm going to get hurt. Where I'm going to get crushed.

1 comment:

Liv Grey said...

i think about these things very similarly....
i always wonder why i am alone. is it because im not as good as the others? i love questioning subjects such as those that you wrote about in this post....
awesome thoughts.